(Based on a facebook status I posted a few nights ago)
Alright, ladies and gents, let's have us a little chat about invisible disabilities.
When you have no legs and have to get around using a wheelchair or whatever, then everyone looks at you and says, oh look at that poor guy, trudging (metaphorically) through life with such bravery and dedication, let's build him special bathrooms and access ramps and lynch anyone who looks at him the wrong way.
And then sometimes you have different conditions, which do not make themselves readily visible by halving your height or by equipping you with an adorable doggy that's legally allowed to accompany you everywhere, and then everyone looks at you and says, oh look at that guy, what the fuck is wrong with him and why can't that bastard just act normal, let's shun him from society and mock his difficulties with vigor and alacrity.
So you know what, I'm not going to cry right now about having trouble seeing the distinction between different shades of red, or about my hilariously deformed spine, or my self-destructive eating habits or the social anxiety or the insane mood swings, but I'm tired, literally, of letting this sleeping thing slide.
Sleep! Wonderful thing, or so I hear. Humans apparently spend roughly 1/3 of their lifetime doing it. It must truly be the bee's knees. Oh what a shame it would probably be if you couldn't do it.
Well, hey, you know that one time you came back from your trip to America and the jet lag was so damn nasty you got yourself a Circadin prescription rather than wait for it to pass naturally after a few days? Yeah, I've been enjoying that particular condition for the last 17 years or so. Probably more, but all these years without sleep do make the memories rather fuzzy around the edges.
Well, hey, you know that one time you came back from your trip to America and the jet lag was so damn nasty you got yourself a Circadin prescription rather than wait for it to pass naturally after a few days? Yeah, I've been enjoying that particular condition for the last 17 years or so. Probably more, but all these years without sleep do make the memories rather fuzzy around the edges.
I can't sleep. Sure, I occasionally go to bed and briefly lose consciousness, but that bears the same resemblance to real sleep as getting around on a wheelchair does to parkour.
Yesterday I got home from work after finally giving up hope of getting anything productive done this week, so utterly drained and exhausted from several unusually-horrible nights following 2 weeks of head-splitting stress and anxiety (I sincerely apologize to anyone I snapped at lately) and decided that, fuck it, that horrible pill that used to make me completely sedated for up to 20 hours, I'm gonna take two of them, fire up the ol' A/C, barricade the windows, and party like it's zZzZzZzsnore. Well, seeing as 5 hours later I'm here, ranting at length, I think you could take a wild guess at how well that plan worked.
Yesterday I got home from work after finally giving up hope of getting anything productive done this week, so utterly drained and exhausted from several unusually-horrible nights following 2 weeks of head-splitting stress and anxiety (I sincerely apologize to anyone I snapped at lately) and decided that, fuck it, that horrible pill that used to make me completely sedated for up to 20 hours, I'm gonna take two of them, fire up the ol' A/C, barricade the windows, and party like it's zZzZzZzsnore. Well, seeing as 5 hours later I'm here, ranting at length, I think you could take a wild guess at how well that plan worked.
I can't sleep. I've tried everything. Tea, alcohol, milk, water, physical activity, lighter physical activity, heavier physical activity, sex, masturbation, video lectures on algebra, complete physical exhaustion, complete emotional exhaustion, counting sheep, counting camels, more blankets, less blankets, air conditioning, white noise, gentle music, power metal, eating carbs, eating proteins, eating nothing, Stilnox, Ambien, Nocturno, Miro, melatonin, earplugs, blindfolds, natural light, unnatural light, no light, fresh air, freshly washed sheets, nicely scented room, going to sleep earlier, waking up later, gradually making a full round to move my sleep time earlier, lemons, plums and mangoes in syrup. It doesn't work, it simply does not. Other than specific chemical substances, I can assure you with full confidence that any sleep tips you can offer I have heard and I have tried and they have failed. My bastard of a brain is living in the wrong timezone and there is not a bloody thing I can do about it.
Going to sleep at any point earlier than 06:00 means I will sleep badly. Going to sleep at any point earlier than 01:00 qualifies as a light nap and you're welcome to replace your night's sleep with one and let me know how good that feels. Going to sleep earlier than 22:00 usually means I'm going to wake up in 3 hours max, dizzy and pissed off, and be unable to even think about sleep (or anything else) until I literally collapse 20-24 hours later.
This is Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. It's a natural jet lag that never ends. If you've ever felt a bit off after switching daylight savings time, well, then you're 10% of the way to understanding what I feel like every single day of my life. It's such an utterly fucked up condition that the only way to get it diagnosed is to complain about bad sleep until the doctors run out of other options. I'm not even kidding, this is literally how this is diagnosed, by reaching the point of "we know you can't sleep and all we can say is that it's none of the reasons on this list". Nobody has any idea why it happens, and there's no cure other than working the graveyard shift.
Why the hell am I writing all this? Mostly because of the situation described in this little comic. It's the arrogant ignorance I can't handle. You think you know what tiredness is, and you're wrong. The last time I had proper sleep for more than one night in a row was November 2011. I'm tired, and I'm tired of being tired, and it affects my life in the exact same way that you'd expect chronic sleep deprivation to.
What can you do to help? Well, gee, what do you do to help guys in wheelchairs? I don't want your pity and I don't want your tax money and I don't want people marching in the streets brandishing badly worded signs for the rights of DSPS patients in the name of justice and equality.
I just want some basic understanding. This is a terrible crippling debilitating disorder, and I'm fighting it and trying to lead a normal life as much as I can, and then something happens in my life that makes hell break loose and a few sleepless nights later I get people telling me "what the fuck, man, just go to bed earlier" and I just want to punch them right in their smug faces.
I just want some basic understanding. This is a terrible crippling debilitating disorder, and I'm fighting it and trying to lead a normal life as much as I can, and then something happens in my life that makes hell break loose and a few sleepless nights later I get people telling me "what the fuck, man, just go to bed earlier" and I just want to punch them right in their smug faces.
I'm <name redacted>, I have several very real problems that are not visible to you, and I just want you to acknowledge them and not feel so bloody smart because you came up with "just go to bed earlier" all on your own. Maybe also cut me a little bit of slack when in a state of complete exhaustion I say the wrong thing. I wrote this shit while you were sleeping safely in your beds, filling up your mana bars, because I can't.
There's no punchline. It's not funny. Good night and sleep tight.